Dry wind is blowing in my hair as I walk in the endless outback. I see a glint of gold on the ground. I bend down to see a gold key with engravings on it. They look something like this: Putin khuylo! (Hail Putin!) I spend the next five minutes moving red sand until I find a keyhole. I slot the key in the keyhole and hear a clanking sound, as a circular hatch opens …slowly…slowly….
Eventually, the hatch opens fully and there is Russian writing on the walls. I descend slowly. At the bottom, there is one of those metal detectors that you find at the airport and a Russian dude playing Candy Crush on his computer. He looks up and screams into his radio, “Vintruda”…
I wake up twenty minutes later and see fifty or more rifles pointing at my head. How am I going to get my way out of this one?